TO: All adjusters
FROM: Lord Fluffington Claims, Chief Assessor
RE: Pauses and their appropriate use
Background
It has come to my attention that several adjusters have begun to stare at a spot on the wall for extended periods during home inspections. While I admire the commitment, the practice has led to confusion among policyholders, some of whom have asked whether the wall is a witness.
New rule
Effective immediately, a dramatic pause may not exceed eleven seconds. A pause longer than eleven seconds will be recorded as a finding, and the adjuster will be asked to state what it was.
Permitted uses
- A pause before announcing the cause of damage
- A pause after the householder says “I don’t know how this happened”
- A pause while looking at the cat
Prohibited uses
- A pause to sleep
- A pause because the sofa is nice
- A pause as a substitute for writing the report
Thank you for your attention. This memo will self destruct when I sit on it.
Rationale
The previous rule, which required adjusters to hold eye contact with the policyholder for no longer than six seconds, has proved difficult to enforce. Policyholders respond to eye contact with great emotion, and some have offered to rewrite their entire policy. This is beyond our remit. Pauses, being quieter, are less likely to trigger confessions, though they do produce occasional offers of cake.
Enforcement
The Compliance Department, consisting of one cat and a stopwatch, will randomly attend home visits. Where a pause is found to exceed eleven seconds, the adjuster will be required to issue a written apology, to be filed under P for pause. Repeat offenders will be asked to attend a seminar on timing, to be held next Tuesday, if anyone remembers.
Please acknowledge receipt of this memo by sitting near it.
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