Purrfect Drop Insurance Assessors

Tag: audits

  • Assessor Notes: What We Found Under the Sofa This Quarter

    Assessor Notes: What We Found Under the Sofa This Quarter

    Every quarter our adjusters compile a list of items found beneath sofas during claim visits. The list is not an official finding, but it is printed on good paper and pinned to the office wall. This quarter was an unusually productive one.

    Recovered items

    • 14 hair ties, 3 of them still in use
    • 6 pens, none of them working
    • 2 remote controls, one of them for a television that was sold in the spring
    • 41 bottle caps, arranged in a manner that suggests intent
    • 1 sock, which we believe to be a witness
    • A small wooden mouse, named Gerald, which was returned to the cat with an apology

    Observations

    Our adjusters note that the space beneath a sofa is the most reliable archive in the home. Everything that has ever fallen, rolled or been hidden eventually arrives there, and many of these items have been waiting for years. One adjuster found a birthday card dated 2019, addressed to a person who now lives in another city.

    Method

    Items are removed using a long ruler, a torch and a patient attitude. Each is photographed, logged and returned to the policyholder, other than anything alive. We have a firm rule that we do not touch anything that moves, since it is usually the cat.

    Recommendations

    We advise policyholders to clean beneath their sofas at least once a year, or to leave things as they are and enjoy the surprise. Either approach is covered.

    Next quarter

    Our adjusters will turn their attention to the space behind the fridge, which is rumoured to contain a coin, a cork and an unfinished conversation.

    Thanks

    We thank all policyholders who allowed our adjusters to lie on their carpets for the purposes of this survey. Your cooperation, and your biscuits, were noted by every member of the team.

  • Memo: New Rule on Dramatic Pauses During Inspections

    Memo: New Rule on Dramatic Pauses During Inspections

    TO: All adjusters

    FROM: Lord Fluffington Claims, Chief Assessor

    RE: Pauses and their appropriate use

    Background

    It has come to my attention that several adjusters have begun to stare at a spot on the wall for extended periods during home inspections. While I admire the commitment, the practice has led to confusion among policyholders, some of whom have asked whether the wall is a witness.

    New rule

    Effective immediately, a dramatic pause may not exceed eleven seconds. A pause longer than eleven seconds will be recorded as a finding, and the adjuster will be asked to state what it was.

    Permitted uses

    • A pause before announcing the cause of damage
    • A pause after the householder says “I don’t know how this happened”
    • A pause while looking at the cat

    Prohibited uses

    • A pause to sleep
    • A pause because the sofa is nice
    • A pause as a substitute for writing the report

    Thank you for your attention. This memo will self destruct when I sit on it.

    Rationale

    The previous rule, which required adjusters to hold eye contact with the policyholder for no longer than six seconds, has proved difficult to enforce. Policyholders respond to eye contact with great emotion, and some have offered to rewrite their entire policy. This is beyond our remit. Pauses, being quieter, are less likely to trigger confessions, though they do produce occasional offers of cake.

    Enforcement

    The Compliance Department, consisting of one cat and a stopwatch, will randomly attend home visits. Where a pause is found to exceed eleven seconds, the adjuster will be required to issue a written apology, to be filed under P for pause. Repeat offenders will be asked to attend a seminar on timing, to be held next Tuesday, if anyone remembers.

    Please acknowledge receipt of this memo by sitting near it.

  • Underwriting Deep Dive: How We Calculate Your Premium

    Underwriting Deep Dive: How We Calculate Your Premium

    Many policyholders ask how we set their premiums. The answer, as with all great questions, is that we look at the cat. This article explains the Purrfect Drop Premium Formula, which has been in use for 40 years and has been updated twice, once to add a column and once to remove a sandwich.

    The basic formula

    Your monthly premium is calculated as follows: the Base Rate, multiplied by the Edge Factor, divided by the Calm Index, plus a small amount for our time. The Base Rate is fixed at the price of a tin of tuna. The other terms deserve some explanation.

    The Edge Factor

    The Edge Factor measures how many objects in your home are located within one paw length of an edge. A tidy home with all items pushed against the wall scores 1.0. A home with a row of glasses along the front of a shelf scores 7.4. A home with a vase, a candle and a laptop on a ledge scores “please call us”.

    The Calm Index

    The Calm Index is a measure of the household cat’s emotional state. A cat who sits quietly in a window scores 8 or 9. A cat who paces at midnight scores 3. A cat who has recently met a laser pointer and is still thinking about it scores zero, and the household is advised to take out a bigger policy.

    Other factors

    • Number of shelves above knee height
    • Presence of houseplants, which are classified as bait
    • Age of the cat, with young cats rated as chaotic and old cats rated as “knowing”
    • Presence of a second cat, which multiplies the premium by a number we do not discuss
    • Whether the household owns a vase named after a relative

    Discounts

    We offer a range of discounts to households that take reasonable steps to reduce risk. A household that stores glasses in a cabinet receives 5 percent off. A household that keeps a spare cardboard box near the table, as a decoy, receives 8 percent. A household that places a small sign reading “please do not” on every shelf receives nothing, because the sign has never worked, but we appreciate the effort.

    Loadings

    A loading is an increase in your premium based on specific risk. A household that has previously made a claim for a broken lamp receives a “lamp loading”. A household that has made a claim for a lamp, a candle and a clock receives the “full set”. A household that has made a claim for a plate, two glasses and a small wedding gift receives a handwritten note.

    Fairness

    We are often asked whether the formula is fair. We believe it is as fair as a cat sitting on a keyboard. It reflects the facts as we see them, and it applies equally to every household regardless of income, status or size of sofa.

    What to do if your premium rises

    If your premium rises, we recommend a calm conversation with the cat. Explain the situation in clear terms. Listen to the cat’s response, which will be a loud meow at 5 AM. Then call us, and we will explain, once more, that the formula is final.

    Thank you for trusting us to measure the immeasurable, one shelf at a time.

    Sample calculation

    Consider a household with one cat, three shelves, a houseplant and a decorative bowl. The Base Rate is one tin of tuna. The Edge Factor is 3.2, because of the bowl. The Calm Index is 6, because the cat is a little distracted. The premium is therefore 3.2 divided by 6, which is roughly half a tin, plus a small amount for our time. Add the plant loading and the result is one tin and a bit. The household pays this happily, in our experience, for about a month.

    Common misunderstandings

    Some policyholders believe their premium will fall if the cat is on a diet. It will not. A thin cat is a faster cat. Others believe that a very old cat poses no risk, and our records show that very old cats hold the highest number of claims per whisker. Experience, as the saying goes, is the best teacher of shelves.