Purrfect Drop Insurance Assessors

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  • Assessor Notes: What We Found Under the Sofa This Quarter

    Assessor Notes: What We Found Under the Sofa This Quarter

    Every quarter our adjusters compile a list of items found beneath sofas during claim visits. The list is not an official finding, but it is printed on good paper and pinned to the office wall. This quarter was an unusually productive one.

    Recovered items

    • 14 hair ties, 3 of them still in use
    • 6 pens, none of them working
    • 2 remote controls, one of them for a television that was sold in the spring
    • 41 bottle caps, arranged in a manner that suggests intent
    • 1 sock, which we believe to be a witness
    • A small wooden mouse, named Gerald, which was returned to the cat with an apology

    Observations

    Our adjusters note that the space beneath a sofa is the most reliable archive in the home. Everything that has ever fallen, rolled or been hidden eventually arrives there, and many of these items have been waiting for years. One adjuster found a birthday card dated 2019, addressed to a person who now lives in another city.

    Method

    Items are removed using a long ruler, a torch and a patient attitude. Each is photographed, logged and returned to the policyholder, other than anything alive. We have a firm rule that we do not touch anything that moves, since it is usually the cat.

    Recommendations

    We advise policyholders to clean beneath their sofas at least once a year, or to leave things as they are and enjoy the surprise. Either approach is covered.

    Next quarter

    Our adjusters will turn their attention to the space behind the fridge, which is rumoured to contain a coin, a cork and an unfinished conversation.

    Thanks

    We thank all policyholders who allowed our adjusters to lie on their carpets for the purposes of this survey. Your cooperation, and your biscuits, were noted by every member of the team.

  • FAQ: What Is a Deductible, and Why Is It Always the Cat’s Fault?

    FAQ: What Is a Deductible, and Why Is It Always the Cat’s Fault?

    A deductible is the amount you pay before we pay. This FAQ explains the concept using a simple example.

    What is a deductible?

    Imagine a mug is knocked from a table and breaks. The mug was worth ten coins. Your deductible is five coins. You pay five coins, and we pay five coins, less a handling fee, less a reduction for the edge.

    Why is there one?

    Deductibles ensure that policyholders take care of their belongings. We believe nothing encourages tidiness like a small financial loss.

    Can I reduce my deductible?

    Yes. For a higher premium, you can have a lower deductible. For a lower premium, you can have a higher deductible. For no premium, you can have our sympathy.

    Is it always the cat’s fault?

    Not always. Sometimes it is the dog, a child or a draught. In those cases the claim is handled by a different department, which is also a cat.

    A worked example

    A policyholder owns a ceramic teapot worth forty coins. The teapot is knocked from a counter and shatters. The policyholder has a deductible of ten coins. We assess the teapot at thirty five coins, since it was already chipped. We deduct ten coins, leaving twenty five, and then subtract a handling fee of two coins. The policyholder receives twenty three coins, a letter and a long look.

    Tips for choosing a deductible

    If you have a cat who naps all day, choose a low deductible, since you will rarely need it. If you have a cat who patrols at night, choose a high deductible, since you will need it often. If you have two cats, choose a very high deductible and a very strong cup of tea.

    Final thoughts

    A deductible is not a punishment. It is a conversation between you, us and the floor. We hope this answers your questions, and we hope you will keep the receipt.

  • Press Release: We Have Introduced a Policy for Pre Existing Edges

    Press Release: We Have Introduced a Policy for Pre Existing Edges

    Purrfect Drop Insurance Assessors today announced a new product, Pre Existing Edge Cover, designed for households whose furniture already has edges. This covers about all of them.

    What is covered

    • Shelves, ledges and mantelpieces
    • Desks, side tables and window sills
    • The top of the fridge, which has been under review for years

    What is not covered

    Edges that arise after the policy begins are not covered, since they are considered “new information”. Edges that are only imagined are also excluded, although we are aware that most edges begin this way.

    Quote

    “We know that many households live with edges every day,” said Lord Fluffington Claims. “We want them to feel less alone. Also, we want their money.”

    How to apply

    Visit our office, or wait. We will come to you. We always do, usually through the cat flap.

    Eligibility

    To be eligible for Pre Existing Edge Cover, a household must have at least one edge on the premises. A household with no edges, such as a spherical home, may apply for a different product, the Round Cover, which does not exist yet but is under review.

    Examples of covered events

    A candle is nudged from a mantel and lands in a slipper. A jar of buttons is rolled from a desk and distributed across the hall. A houseplant is encouraged to the floor by a determined paw. In each case the household will be reimbursed according to the schedule, less the edge reduction.

    Terms

    The policy has a cooling off period of fourteen days, which the company considers to be an ample time for a cat to form an opinion. Premiums are payable monthly, weekly or in the form of a heavy sigh. The company reserves the right to alter these terms at any time, at three in the morning, from the top of a cupboard.

  • Customer Letter: A Thank You From Mrs. Doyle of Number 9

    Customer Letter: A Thank You From Mrs. Doyle of Number 9

    Dear Purrfect Drop Insurance Assessors,

    I am writing to thank you for the way my claim was handled last month. As you know, my cat pushed a framed photograph from the mantel, and it landed on my foot, and I was upset.

    Your adjuster, a small grey cat, arrived the next day. She did not say much. She walked slowly around the room, and then she sat by the fire and looked at me, and I felt understood.

    What impressed me

    • The adjuster did not blame me, though she did look at the shelf
    • She wrote her notes in a very neat paw print
    • She declined tea, but accepted a saucer of milk and a fish
    • My payout arrived in 29 days, and was approximately what I expected, minus a deduction I did not understand

    I would like to say that I will take better care of my shelves in the future. This is not true. I have already purchased another frame, and the cat has already looked at it.

    Yours,

    Mrs. Doyle, Number 9

    A reply from the company

    Thank you for your kind letter, Mrs. Doyle. We are pleased that the adjuster was able to make you feel understood. She has been told. She was already aware.

    Regarding the deduction you did not understand, this refers to the Frame Handling Fee, which applies to any framed item that lands on a foot. We regret that it was not explained at the time, since the adjuster was busy with the fish.

    We note that you have bought another frame and encourage you to place it on the floor, where it will be safe. We look forward to hearing from you again, in about six weeks.

    P.S. The adjuster would like it known that the fish was excellent, and that she has no further comment about the mantel.

    We also enclose a voucher for one free inspection of any shelf of your choice. It expires when the cat decides it does.

  • Memo: New Rule on Dramatic Pauses During Inspections

    Memo: New Rule on Dramatic Pauses During Inspections

    TO: All adjusters

    FROM: Lord Fluffington Claims, Chief Assessor

    RE: Pauses and their appropriate use

    Background

    It has come to my attention that several adjusters have begun to stare at a spot on the wall for extended periods during home inspections. While I admire the commitment, the practice has led to confusion among policyholders, some of whom have asked whether the wall is a witness.

    New rule

    Effective immediately, a dramatic pause may not exceed eleven seconds. A pause longer than eleven seconds will be recorded as a finding, and the adjuster will be asked to state what it was.

    Permitted uses

    • A pause before announcing the cause of damage
    • A pause after the householder says “I don’t know how this happened”
    • A pause while looking at the cat

    Prohibited uses

    • A pause to sleep
    • A pause because the sofa is nice
    • A pause as a substitute for writing the report

    Thank you for your attention. This memo will self destruct when I sit on it.

    Rationale

    The previous rule, which required adjusters to hold eye contact with the policyholder for no longer than six seconds, has proved difficult to enforce. Policyholders respond to eye contact with great emotion, and some have offered to rewrite their entire policy. This is beyond our remit. Pauses, being quieter, are less likely to trigger confessions, though they do produce occasional offers of cake.

    Enforcement

    The Compliance Department, consisting of one cat and a stopwatch, will randomly attend home visits. Where a pause is found to exceed eleven seconds, the adjuster will be required to issue a written apology, to be filed under P for pause. Repeat offenders will be asked to attend a seminar on timing, to be held next Tuesday, if anyone remembers.

    Please acknowledge receipt of this memo by sitting near it.

  • Meet the Adjusters: Toes McGraw

    Meet the Adjusters: Toes McGraw

    Toes McGraw is the senior adjuster at Purrfect Drop Insurance Assessors. She has handled more than 3,000 claims, sat in 800 sunbeams and been told to get off the table on no fewer than 12,000 occasions.

    How she started

    Toes joined the company as a trainee, with no experience and a small, rather nice hat. Her first claim involved a pair of reading glasses, which she approached with great seriousness. “I looked at them for two hours,” she says. “Then I looked at the cat. Then I wrote the word ‘obvious’ and went to lunch.”

    Her approach

    Toes believes in careful, quiet work. She arrives at a scene, scans the room, and sits in the middle of it. She does not ask questions in the first hour. She waits for the household to say too much, which they invariably do.

    Her tools

    • One clipboard, slightly chewed
    • One pen, never used
    • One small torch for looking under things
    • A handkerchief, for the householder

    Her philosophy

    “Every broken thing has a reason,” says Toes. “Usually it is me. But I am not allowed to say so, because of the policy.”

    She lives with two other cats and a plant she is not allowed to touch. In her spare time she enjoys looking at birds.

    On cats and paperwork

    Toes has strong views on forms. She believes that every form should be shorter than the incident it describes, and that no form should ask for the same information twice. “If I have to write my own name more than once,” she says, “I stop writing it.” Her reports are known in the office for being brief, accurate and slightly damp.

    A typical week

    Monday is for reviewing files and sitting on a pile. Tuesday is for home visits, which she dislikes but performs with grace. Wednesday is a day of quiet reflection beside a radiator. On Thursday she sits at the window and looks at the sky for answers. Friday is for tidying her desk, which she does by sweeping everything onto the floor, in the interest of efficiency.

  • Frequently Declined Claims: The Short List

    Frequently Declined Claims: The Short List

    Every year we handle thousands of claims, and every year we are asked why some of them are not paid. This list explains the ten most frequent reasons, in descending order, with a note on each from our adjusters.

    The list

    1. The object was on the edge. Any object on an edge is considered to have made a choice.

    2. The object was already cracked. An object that is cracked has had a life, and we respect that.

    3. The object was fragile. This sounds obvious, but it is surprising how often it comes up.

    4. The cat was not at home. We cannot assess a crime without a suspect.

    5. The cat was at home but asleep. See above.

    6. The cat was at home and awake but sitting very still. We find this the most suspicious of all.

    7. The claim form was filled out in pencil. Pencil is not a commitment.

    8. The claim form was filled out by the cat. This happens more often than you would think.

    9. The object was a candle. Candles are considered to be “already in motion”.

    10. The householder said the words “it just fell”. Nothing just falls.

    A note on the edge

    Our underwriters have spent many years studying the edge, and have concluded that it cannot be insured against, because it is the essence of the thing. If you wish to protect an object, move it away from the edge. If you wish to protect a cat, you cannot.

    Appeals

    A declined claim can be appealed within thirty days using Form 9C. The form requires you to state your case in three sentences, one photograph and a drawing of how you feel. All appeals are reviewed by a panel of three adjusters, who will each give their view in the form of a small yawn.

    How to avoid being on this list

    Move the object. That is all. Move it into a cupboard, a box or a different room, and the cat will find it anyway, but we will respect your effort. If you do not wish to move the object, you may wish to move yourself, ideally to somewhere with fewer shelves.

  • Underwriting Deep Dive: How We Calculate Your Premium

    Underwriting Deep Dive: How We Calculate Your Premium

    Many policyholders ask how we set their premiums. The answer, as with all great questions, is that we look at the cat. This article explains the Purrfect Drop Premium Formula, which has been in use for 40 years and has been updated twice, once to add a column and once to remove a sandwich.

    The basic formula

    Your monthly premium is calculated as follows: the Base Rate, multiplied by the Edge Factor, divided by the Calm Index, plus a small amount for our time. The Base Rate is fixed at the price of a tin of tuna. The other terms deserve some explanation.

    The Edge Factor

    The Edge Factor measures how many objects in your home are located within one paw length of an edge. A tidy home with all items pushed against the wall scores 1.0. A home with a row of glasses along the front of a shelf scores 7.4. A home with a vase, a candle and a laptop on a ledge scores “please call us”.

    The Calm Index

    The Calm Index is a measure of the household cat’s emotional state. A cat who sits quietly in a window scores 8 or 9. A cat who paces at midnight scores 3. A cat who has recently met a laser pointer and is still thinking about it scores zero, and the household is advised to take out a bigger policy.

    Other factors

    • Number of shelves above knee height
    • Presence of houseplants, which are classified as bait
    • Age of the cat, with young cats rated as chaotic and old cats rated as “knowing”
    • Presence of a second cat, which multiplies the premium by a number we do not discuss
    • Whether the household owns a vase named after a relative

    Discounts

    We offer a range of discounts to households that take reasonable steps to reduce risk. A household that stores glasses in a cabinet receives 5 percent off. A household that keeps a spare cardboard box near the table, as a decoy, receives 8 percent. A household that places a small sign reading “please do not” on every shelf receives nothing, because the sign has never worked, but we appreciate the effort.

    Loadings

    A loading is an increase in your premium based on specific risk. A household that has previously made a claim for a broken lamp receives a “lamp loading”. A household that has made a claim for a lamp, a candle and a clock receives the “full set”. A household that has made a claim for a plate, two glasses and a small wedding gift receives a handwritten note.

    Fairness

    We are often asked whether the formula is fair. We believe it is as fair as a cat sitting on a keyboard. It reflects the facts as we see them, and it applies equally to every household regardless of income, status or size of sofa.

    What to do if your premium rises

    If your premium rises, we recommend a calm conversation with the cat. Explain the situation in clear terms. Listen to the cat’s response, which will be a loud meow at 5 AM. Then call us, and we will explain, once more, that the formula is final.

    Thank you for trusting us to measure the immeasurable, one shelf at a time.

    Sample calculation

    Consider a household with one cat, three shelves, a houseplant and a decorative bowl. The Base Rate is one tin of tuna. The Edge Factor is 3.2, because of the bowl. The Calm Index is 6, because the cat is a little distracted. The premium is therefore 3.2 divided by 6, which is roughly half a tin, plus a small amount for our time. Add the plant loading and the result is one tin and a bit. The household pays this happily, in our experience, for about a month.

    Common misunderstandings

    Some policyholders believe their premium will fall if the cat is on a diet. It will not. A thin cat is a faster cat. Others believe that a very old cat poses no risk, and our records show that very old cats hold the highest number of claims per whisker. Experience, as the saying goes, is the best teacher of shelves.

  • Case Study: The Claim of the Crystal Candy Dish

    Case Study: The Claim of the Crystal Candy Dish

    This account is shared with the consent of the policyholder, who asked that we not use her name, her address or her tone of voice. The claim is numbered 40211, and is known in the office simply as “the dish”.

    The report

    On a Thursday afternoon, a crystal candy dish sat on a sideboard in a home in a quiet street. The dish was a family heirloom, inherited from an aunt who had never liked it. It had been on the sideboard for nineteen years, and had acquired a certain dignity.

    At 4:10 PM, according to the policyholder, there was a “small noise”. At 4:11 PM, there was a “slightly larger noise”. At 4:12 PM there was no noise at all, which the policyholder described as “the worst one”.

    The investigation

    Our adjuster, a grey cat called Toes McGraw, arrived the next morning. She conducted a thorough walk through of the room, beginning with the sideboard and ending with a nap. Her notes include the following observations.

    • The sideboard was in good condition and level to within a whisker
    • The dish was no longer on it
    • Nine large fragments and an unknown number of small ones were found on the carpet
    • A single cat, name withheld, was found sitting in a patch of afternoon sun, looking fine

    The interview

    Toes interviewed the household cat for twenty minutes. The cat answered every question with a long blink. When asked whether it had been near the sideboard, it blinked. When asked whether it had touched the dish, it blinked again. When asked whether it felt remorse, it turned and walked away, which Toes recorded as “inconclusive but dignified”.

    The ruling

    After careful review the claim was approved at 60 percent. The reduction reflected the fact that candy dishes are, by nature, risk assets, and that the policyholder had placed the dish “within paw range”. She was also fined a small amount for the phrase “I always knew this would happen”, which our rules classify as hindsight.

    Aftermath

    The policyholder used her payout to purchase a replacement dish, which she placed on a high shelf. The cat observed this from the floor with great calm, and then got on the sideboard. Our office has not heard from the household since, which we take as a compliment.

    Lessons for the industry

    Claim 40211 has been used in training by our department ever since. It demonstrates three principles. First, an heirloom is only as safe as its shelf. Second, cats do not provide testimony, but they do provide atmosphere. Third, an adjuster who naps in the sun after an interview is not neglecting her duty, but reflecting on it.

    Correspondence

    Following the ruling, the policyholder wrote to the company. Her letter ran to four pages and contained the phrase “with respect” eleven times, none of which we believed. Our reply consisted of a single sentence: “Thank you for your letter; the cat has been informed.” She did not write again, and a card from the cat arrived at Christmas.

    Statistics

    Of the 212 claims involving crystal that we received that year, 209 were approved in part, two were declined and one was withdrawn when the dish was found, whole, behind the radiator. The householder was disappointed, and said so, and the cat was seen smiling.

    A note on the Thursday

    We often receive questions about why so many claims occur on a Thursday. The honest answer is that Thursday is a day on which nothing is expected, which is the cat’s favourite kind of day. The office is considering a policy of Thursday vigilance, which would involve staying awake.

  • How to Make a Claim: A Guide for the Bereaved Householder

    How to Make a Claim: A Guide for the Bereaved Householder

    At Purrfect Drop Insurance Assessors, we understand that discovering a broken object is an emotional experience. You are tired, you are confused, and you have just stepped on something. This guide takes you through the claims process in plain, calm language, and with only the occasional sigh.

    Step one: remain calm

    Do not shout. Shouting will not return the object to its shelf, and it will alarm the cat, which makes the assessment more difficult. Sit down, take a breath and note the time. If the cat is present, do not make eye contact. The cat knows what it did.

    Step two: gather the evidence

    Our adjusters will need the following items. Please place them in a clear bag and leave them on the hall table, where they will be at risk.

    • All fragments larger than a thumbnail
    • A photograph of the shelf, taken from a respectful distance
    • A short written statement, including the words “I heard a noise”
    • One witness, ideally not the cat

    Please do not attempt to glue the object back together. Glue is considered an act of denial and will reduce your payout by roughly the cost of the glue.

    Step three: submit Form 1A

    Form 1A is available at our office, on our website and also beneath whatever you have just put down. It asks six questions. Where was the object? Where is it now? Who was home? What were they doing? What was the cat doing? And finally, how does it make you feel? The final question is not scored. It is simply pleasant to be asked.

    Step four: await the visit

    A Purrfect Drop adjuster will arrive within five to ten working days, or at 3 AM, whichever is sooner. They will wear a small hat, carry a clipboard and inspect your shelf at length. They may sit on your sofa and look at you without comment. This is standard procedure and should not be interpreted as judgment, though it is.

    During the inspection, please refrain from offering tea. Our adjusters are not permitted to accept hospitality, other than a saucer of cream, a warm cushion and any sardines you may have.

    Step five: receive your decision

    Within thirty days you will receive a letter outlining our findings. The letter will be written in a formal tone and sealed with a paw print. It will say one of three things:

    • Your claim is approved in full. This is rare, and usually follows a very sad photograph.
    • Your claim is approved in part. This is the most common outcome, and we recommend preparing a small speech.
    • Your claim is declined on the grounds that the object “was at the edge”. See our Frequently Declined Claims page.

    What counts as a covered event

    Covered events include objects pushed, knocked, nudged, rolled or considered at length. They do not include objects dropped by humans, thrown by humans or subject to what we politely call “Tuesday”. If you are uncertain whether your event is covered, please call our helpline, which is answered by a cat who is asleep.

    A word from our Chief Assessor

    “Every claim is a story,” says Lord Fluffington Claims, our Chief Assessor, “and every story ends with a shard. We read each one with care and then we file it under F.”

    We are here for you, in a slow, attentive and mostly horizontal way. Thank you for choosing Purrfect Drop Insurance Assessors, and please mind the pieces.

    Frequently asked questions

    Can I claim for emotional distress? Yes, provided the distress is accompanied by a receipt. We regret that we cannot insure feelings that arrived without one.

    How long should I keep the fragments? We ask that fragments be kept for a minimum of ninety days, in a drawer, away from the cat. After ninety days, you may dispose of them, though many households find that they cannot.

    What if the cat is also the policyholder? In this case the claim will be treated as a family matter, and the adjuster will quietly leave the room.

    Tips for avoiding future claims

    • Place valuable objects behind a closed door, and tell the cat the door is a wall
    • Keep a decoy object, such as a bottle cap, near every edge
    • Offer a bowl of treats on the opposite side of the room whenever you leave
    • Accept that none of the above will work