Purrfect Drop Insurance Assessors

Category: Company News

  • Press Release: We Have Introduced a Policy for Pre Existing Edges

    Press Release: We Have Introduced a Policy for Pre Existing Edges

    Purrfect Drop Insurance Assessors today announced a new product, Pre Existing Edge Cover, designed for households whose furniture already has edges. This covers about all of them.

    What is covered

    • Shelves, ledges and mantelpieces
    • Desks, side tables and window sills
    • The top of the fridge, which has been under review for years

    What is not covered

    Edges that arise after the policy begins are not covered, since they are considered “new information”. Edges that are only imagined are also excluded, although we are aware that most edges begin this way.

    Quote

    “We know that many households live with edges every day,” said Lord Fluffington Claims. “We want them to feel less alone. Also, we want their money.”

    How to apply

    Visit our office, or wait. We will come to you. We always do, usually through the cat flap.

    Eligibility

    To be eligible for Pre Existing Edge Cover, a household must have at least one edge on the premises. A household with no edges, such as a spherical home, may apply for a different product, the Round Cover, which does not exist yet but is under review.

    Examples of covered events

    A candle is nudged from a mantel and lands in a slipper. A jar of buttons is rolled from a desk and distributed across the hall. A houseplant is encouraged to the floor by a determined paw. In each case the household will be reimbursed according to the schedule, less the edge reduction.

    Terms

    The policy has a cooling off period of fourteen days, which the company considers to be an ample time for a cat to form an opinion. Premiums are payable monthly, weekly or in the form of a heavy sigh. The company reserves the right to alter these terms at any time, at three in the morning, from the top of a cupboard.

  • Customer Letter: A Thank You From Mrs. Doyle of Number 9

    Customer Letter: A Thank You From Mrs. Doyle of Number 9

    Dear Purrfect Drop Insurance Assessors,

    I am writing to thank you for the way my claim was handled last month. As you know, my cat pushed a framed photograph from the mantel, and it landed on my foot, and I was upset.

    Your adjuster, a small grey cat, arrived the next day. She did not say much. She walked slowly around the room, and then she sat by the fire and looked at me, and I felt understood.

    What impressed me

    • The adjuster did not blame me, though she did look at the shelf
    • She wrote her notes in a very neat paw print
    • She declined tea, but accepted a saucer of milk and a fish
    • My payout arrived in 29 days, and was approximately what I expected, minus a deduction I did not understand

    I would like to say that I will take better care of my shelves in the future. This is not true. I have already purchased another frame, and the cat has already looked at it.

    Yours,

    Mrs. Doyle, Number 9

    A reply from the company

    Thank you for your kind letter, Mrs. Doyle. We are pleased that the adjuster was able to make you feel understood. She has been told. She was already aware.

    Regarding the deduction you did not understand, this refers to the Frame Handling Fee, which applies to any framed item that lands on a foot. We regret that it was not explained at the time, since the adjuster was busy with the fish.

    We note that you have bought another frame and encourage you to place it on the floor, where it will be safe. We look forward to hearing from you again, in about six weeks.

    P.S. The adjuster would like it known that the fish was excellent, and that she has no further comment about the mantel.

    We also enclose a voucher for one free inspection of any shelf of your choice. It expires when the cat decides it does.

  • Memo: New Rule on Dramatic Pauses During Inspections

    Memo: New Rule on Dramatic Pauses During Inspections

    TO: All adjusters

    FROM: Lord Fluffington Claims, Chief Assessor

    RE: Pauses and their appropriate use

    Background

    It has come to my attention that several adjusters have begun to stare at a spot on the wall for extended periods during home inspections. While I admire the commitment, the practice has led to confusion among policyholders, some of whom have asked whether the wall is a witness.

    New rule

    Effective immediately, a dramatic pause may not exceed eleven seconds. A pause longer than eleven seconds will be recorded as a finding, and the adjuster will be asked to state what it was.

    Permitted uses

    • A pause before announcing the cause of damage
    • A pause after the householder says “I don’t know how this happened”
    • A pause while looking at the cat

    Prohibited uses

    • A pause to sleep
    • A pause because the sofa is nice
    • A pause as a substitute for writing the report

    Thank you for your attention. This memo will self destruct when I sit on it.

    Rationale

    The previous rule, which required adjusters to hold eye contact with the policyholder for no longer than six seconds, has proved difficult to enforce. Policyholders respond to eye contact with great emotion, and some have offered to rewrite their entire policy. This is beyond our remit. Pauses, being quieter, are less likely to trigger confessions, though they do produce occasional offers of cake.

    Enforcement

    The Compliance Department, consisting of one cat and a stopwatch, will randomly attend home visits. Where a pause is found to exceed eleven seconds, the adjuster will be required to issue a written apology, to be filed under P for pause. Repeat offenders will be asked to attend a seminar on timing, to be held next Tuesday, if anyone remembers.

    Please acknowledge receipt of this memo by sitting near it.

  • Meet the Adjusters: Toes McGraw

    Meet the Adjusters: Toes McGraw

    Toes McGraw is the senior adjuster at Purrfect Drop Insurance Assessors. She has handled more than 3,000 claims, sat in 800 sunbeams and been told to get off the table on no fewer than 12,000 occasions.

    How she started

    Toes joined the company as a trainee, with no experience and a small, rather nice hat. Her first claim involved a pair of reading glasses, which she approached with great seriousness. “I looked at them for two hours,” she says. “Then I looked at the cat. Then I wrote the word ‘obvious’ and went to lunch.”

    Her approach

    Toes believes in careful, quiet work. She arrives at a scene, scans the room, and sits in the middle of it. She does not ask questions in the first hour. She waits for the household to say too much, which they invariably do.

    Her tools

    • One clipboard, slightly chewed
    • One pen, never used
    • One small torch for looking under things
    • A handkerchief, for the householder

    Her philosophy

    “Every broken thing has a reason,” says Toes. “Usually it is me. But I am not allowed to say so, because of the policy.”

    She lives with two other cats and a plant she is not allowed to touch. In her spare time she enjoys looking at birds.

    On cats and paperwork

    Toes has strong views on forms. She believes that every form should be shorter than the incident it describes, and that no form should ask for the same information twice. “If I have to write my own name more than once,” she says, “I stop writing it.” Her reports are known in the office for being brief, accurate and slightly damp.

    A typical week

    Monday is for reviewing files and sitting on a pile. Tuesday is for home visits, which she dislikes but performs with grace. Wednesday is a day of quiet reflection beside a radiator. On Thursday she sits at the window and looks at the sky for answers. Friday is for tidying her desk, which she does by sweeping everything onto the floor, in the interest of efficiency.